Why good men should strive to be better time managers

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Good men are providers and protectors

In a society that has been forcing good men to question their place and purpose, one thing remains the same for millennia. Good men are here to be providers and protectors. Men can choose to be neither and live a life as a bachelor who may be dedicated to their career and personal ambitions. Perhaps seeking fulfillment through avenues that don’t include family and children. If a man chooses such a life, he can still lead a virtuous life that leaves a positive impact on the people around him. He shouldn’t be judged as selfish or not contributing to society just like a woman shouldn’t who chooses not to become a wife and mother.

The good men that do become husbands and fathers however need to embrace the fact that they are stepping into the role of provider and protector for their families. It is stamped and hard wired in our DNA as males to risk ourselves in order to protect our wives and children at potentially great personal risk. Even potentially disregarding all common sense and safety in order to do such things. Good men understand this, accept it and willingly seek opportunities to demonstrate their virtuosity as men.     

Sacrifice for a greater good

Thousands of years ago men would return to their tribes from a hunt with a slayed animal. Usually at great risk of being attacked by other tribes in competition for resources, hunting grounds and food. Or even potentially attacked or killed in the process of hunting large game through misadventure. Life was difficult, unforgiving and violent at best. As the man in our households, we are justly expected to sacrifice our time, effort and sweat in order to return home with the modern age version of a killed animal, that being a pay check.

Instead of being the best hunter in our tribe, we are now further developed to possess different skills and abilities that make us valuable as men to our families and society. Those skills and abilities come in many forms, yet all come through sacrificing time and energy. Good men are willing to sacrifice their time and energy to better themselves by gaining more knowledge, further develop a skill set and challenge themselves regularly both physically and intellectually. All of these things lead to potentially earning more money so they can provide a higher standard of living for their families.

Good men are able to balance work and life

In this pursuit of more knowledge, skills and resources, good men can will have to find that difficult balance between work and living their lives. Known as a ‘work/life balance’, it’s often common place for men to think their doing the right thing by working harder and longer instead of creating time for other pursuits. These pursuits are obviously their family relationships, but perhaps a selfish interest that feeds their own soul should be encouraged.

Often, good men can fall into the trap of thinking that because they provide so much in the form of money, standard of living or perhaps materialistic items such as cars or toys, they’re good parents or partners. When in fact, the people around us actually want less ‘stuff’ and really just want more of ‘us’. Finding that work/life balance is difficult, and just like a pendulum, it can swing between the two as priorities shift.     

Find the time for family

One effective way good men can achieve a good work/life balance is by building time into their schedule or routine on purpose for family or other interests. Often when building a schedule or planning a routine, we can fall into the trap of filling all the gaps with what can only be described as ‘pointless busy work’. Using a color code system in a calendar is a useful way of tracking our time. I personally use different colors to represent various activities. Green is primary work. Blue is personal administration. Red is the side hustle and Yellow is sport. Orange is family time and once it is allocated it stays put and nothing, unless it is actually and really important, gets scheduled over the top.

Good men need to plan to and at times create or find the time for their families. They need to remember that although our wives and children appreciate the financial security and materialistic items our hard work provides, our families actually just want more of what they consider most important. Us.     

Good men value their relationships

By planning our work schedules better and giving deeper consideration to our family relationships, good men will start to reap the benefits. Being present to witness our children’s sporting achievements or presentations of awards for academics are just two examples. Taking time out of the day so you can cook a meal for your family and reduce the burden on your wife if she is the primary care provider in the home is something we can all do more of as men who want to demonstrate that we value our relationships.

So in summary, if you’re a man that wants to improve himself, start planning your days and weeks to be more effective. Work harder to more efficient with your time so you can start giving more of it back to the people that support you the most. Your family.  

Men’s rights in the family law system

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Men's rights in the family law system

I will start this with a caveat that I have not and do not plan to experience the family court system first hand. My knowledge of this subject comes from having spoken to and supported numerous male friends, family and work colleagues as their significant relationships have ended, sometimes in spectacular fashion, as they have then entered the murky waters of family law. This blog will focus on the observations of the lack of men’s rights in the family law system and provide some food for thought if you may be, or about to, take a swim with the sharks.

Men start at a disadvantage

Whether men are in the right or wrong, they’re automatically starting this race to the bottom at a disadvantage due to the simple fact that they’re male. It seems to me that regardless of which person is at fault, the man needs to start fighting uphill to maintain any form of initiative, financial or housing security and access to children in order to maintain fatherly relationships with their children. Men’s rights in the family law system appear to be given absolute minimum consideration at best and are easily disregarded the moment a man is made out to be a potential perpetrator of violence and intimidation.

Pack a bag and write a shopping list

Every single man I have seen starting the next chapter without their wife or partner has always had to leave the home and find somewhere else to live. Regardless if they are the one with their name on the lease or name on the mortgage. For some reason it is the man that needs to vacate the premises. Why is this?

Is it because male housing security is deemed to be less important than females’ or is it because of chivalry? Or is it that stamped in our DNA as men we see the woman as being more vulnerable if they have to leave the tribe? Either way, I haven’t seen a single male friend remain in their own home when relationships have failed.

Starting again

At the outset as men strike out to find a new place to live, they seem to always have to start from scratch again. Right down to having to set up a new home with furniture, bedding, kitchenware and plates they eat off. The financial outlay is significant and seems to always be the burden of the man. Very rarely have I seen an amicable division of household items where a man can start living in a new apartment or home.

They seem to leave with very little and have to start from scratch again. In some cases, I have made the observation that men are usually happy to do this as they get a say finally in what furniture is purchased and the decorating of their new home. It’s usually an indicator that they never actually ‘liked’ the household belongings they purchased in the first place.

The truth won’t matter

 In the back of every man’s mind in these initial stages of a relationship breakdown is that accusations of poor behavior or domestic violence can and automatically will derail any hope of being treated fairly. Fairly by mutual friends, family and especially the legal system. Accusations are enough to generate enough doubt that, again, men need to start fighting from a disadvantaged position. As soon as that first encounter with the police occurs or the first of many letters from a lawyer arrives, men have absolutely no means of fighting back with the truth or at least their version of events.  

The game is rigged

When that first letter arrives from the lawyer, the anxiety generated has been almost crippling for every man I have seen experience it. The implied accusations of being abusive partners and fathers is demeaning and degrading. Having read enough of these letters I can only imagine that family lawyers must spend their time trying to out do one another to see who can be of the coldest heart and vicious. The way they craft the paragraphs so that every sentence is like a hammer blow to the male character. Again, accusations are enough in this arena and there appears to be no accountability for what is said.

I recall reading one letter in particular where it was obvious that the lawyer was writing the letter and dictating to the aggrieved woman what should go into the letter, no matter how fanciful it was. How do I know this? Because she was of low intellect, practically illiterate and had such a poor grasp of the English language that the accusations and demands were plainly not coming from her. It was coming straight out of the lawyers’ play book.

The accusations were so outrageous that if they were true, why did he not have intimate knowledge of the inside of a jail cell already or be in a psychiatric facility? It was truly amazing the imagination of not only the lawyer, but also the fact the woman approved its release on her behalf as a version of the truth.

Lawyers are the only winners

Just like a casino is set up to take your money, the family legal system is rigged to bleed both parties of their assets all the way to the end. These letters are just one such way that they start draining the reserves of money. Priced at nearly $500 per letter due to billing rates, the written communication between parties is how lawyers make themselves the winners. Just like the casino. Neither party’s legal representation is ever satisfied and the back and forth continues until the money nearly runs out.

It’s almost as though the lawyers from both sides are inadvertently working in the interests of one another instead of their clients. The games rigged from the beginning. Especially for men who seem to always lose financially at the end. And it’s also a point for women as they navigate the family law system, the potential future proofing they seek will be just as undermined by lawyers that pretend to advocate for them and paint them as victims.

Common sense? You won’t find it here.

I recently met a man I did some work for who was a single parent to two small sons. His soon to be ex-wife and he had rented out the downstairs of their home to supplement the income of the family business. A couple moved in downstairs and in no time the male of the pair disappeared from the unit. It then became apparent to the couple that owned the property that the woman downstairs was in fact dealing methamphetamine out of their family home. Instead of throwing her out, his wife suddenly started a drug fueled lesbian relationship with her and turned her back on her husband and two sons.

*Paul then had to move out of his own home with his two young sons and live with extended family while he struggled with a magistrate at great cost to achieve sole custody of his children so he could protect them and move them back into the family home. The sheer fact that Paul had to spend in excess of $20,000 and spend 6 months fighting while running his own business, being a single parent and living out of a garage demonstrates that the system lacks any form of common sense. His situation is anecdotal I know, yet falls into the ‘no brainer’ category immediately.

External support for men is missing

Shelters for women exist for a very good reason, but when it came to Paul being able to maintain housing security for himself and his sons, nothing. He had no where to go except for either his work vehicle or family. The whole time his drug addled wife and her drug dealer girlfriend were allowed to remain in the family home until they were finally removed. Even at the end Paul desperately wants his wife to be able to have a meaningful and healthy relationship with her sons, but refuses to have the boys put at risk again. The struggle for him continues and he is only one man of many.      

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The system sees men as disposable

Another good friend of mine, *Mitch, discovered his wife had been having an affair at the same time she told him she was pregnant. A prenatal paternity test ensued as at the time of conceiving the child, he wasn’t even in the state as he was away with work. He struggled to reconcile the fact that his wife had cheated on him numerous times. Attending counselling, she assured him that the affair was over and she was fully committed to the marriage. Whilst he was working overseas the prenatal test result indicated that he was the most likely father.

Not a conclusive result and one that certainly left enough doubt in his mind that he still wasn’t certain of the future of the marriage. The agreement was that on completion of the overseas trip he would decide if he would remain in the marriage and accept the paternity test result. He would never get the chance to decide as the end result was made for him.

It will always end up about money

Whilst spending his mandatory 2 weeks in hotel quarantine due to COVID-19 restrictions he received emails from lawyers she had engaged commencing the termination of their marriage and division of assets. The term ‘division of assets’ would indicate that he would have some at the end. In all of his received correspondence from her lawyer, everything indicated that he would be left with nothing. After four years of marriage, her expectation was that his 3 investment properties would be sold with all funds being transferred to herself. His superannuation would all go to her as well. Her audacity was mind boggling as she even went after items promised to him by his grandfather upon his death.

Men are seen as replaceable

The justification for all of this was that she had to ‘future proof’ herself. At the same time, he was told he had to accept her conditions due to his apparent ability to ‘rebuild’ his financial position in the future. The family court decided mostly in her favor as she attempted to even move interstate to have their child so he couldn’t have an active role as a father. It was only at the last minute, due to bureaucratic bumbling, that she was instructed to remain in the state by the courts so an attempt at a co-parenting agreement could be struck.

Everything Mitch had worked for over the last decade was essentially liquidated or transferred into the name of his ex-wife. Throughout the entire process he was treated as disposable and replaceable by a system that cared nothing for anything he had earned himself or sacrificed for. He was told from the outset that he should just roll over and give her what she wanted. This was not just from her lawyer, but also his own. No one in the legal system sees men worth fighting for and the decision makers seem to always allocate assets and funds in favor of the woman.  

What can men do to protect themselves?

Rather than pursuing the life of a bachelor, good men should seek the challenge and fulfillment of marriage. As men form relationships with their partners, they can work seriously at communicating and developing a combined and agreed set of goals with their wives or partners. This doesn’t need to be a formal plan, but at least being on the same page with where you want to be together 20 years from now is a start. With this agreed and similar set of aspirations, men have a greater chance of success in their relationships.

Success in a marriage really comes from having the ability to communicate with one another. Sharing not only hopes and dreams, but also fears or desires with one another is key. Ignoring problems or failing to call one another out on the serious issues is a death sentence to a marriage. By more men seeking to be emotionally and intellectually active in their marriages, I’m almost certain they will start to experience more success. As well as improving their existing relationships, perhaps even their future ones if they are still single.

Work on yourself and your relationships

So, in order for men to protect themselves from situations similar to the examples above, perhaps the solution is actually setting higher standards and expectations of themselves and their partners before making the great leap into a lifelong commitment. Ensuring due diligence is conducted on both themselves and their potential partners so that when temptation or difficulties arise, the right decisions are made with the best interests of both parties at the forefront. After all, marriage is meant to be forever.

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

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Veteran leadership must start coming from within

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Leadership must start coming from within the veteran community

Veteran leadership is the answer

Let’s face one simple fact. Government is inefficient, slow to decide and even slower to act. So, bearing that in mind, why on earth is the veteran community waiting for Government leadership instead of veteran leadership to fix their problems?

It’s not going to happen and it will never meet everyone’s expectations. The expectations’ part is interesting because what does the veteran community expect? I personally don’t think the veteran community even knows what it wants or is honest enough to admit that what it needs is a new sense of purpose through what seems like meaningless employment in comparison to serving in the military.

In recent years, the general public has been sympathetic and politicians generally make all of the ‘correct’ somber comments using words like sacrifice whilst paying their respect and acknowledging current and former members of the military for cheap political point scoring. At the end of the day though, veterans need to stop looking and expecting political leadership and action. As hard as it is for everyone to accept, it’s not coming.

The answer is that the veteran community needs to start leading itself. Not in that sort of depressing echo chamber of social media where misery loves company, but that real kind of leadership where people are held to account and told what to do. That meaningful kind of leadership that speaks truth to power and takes action for the greatest good for the greatest number. Veterans need to stop looking for handouts and start reaching down to one another for the hand up. And the best form that this can take is employment opportunities. Employment brings with it what veterans are missing the most. Purpose, comradeship and a sense of responsibility.  

Veterans need to stop thinking that they’re special

When people enter the armed services and conduct their basic training, they’re essentially ‘programmed’ to start thinking a certain way. One of those is to start viewing civilians as less than themselves and as if the civilian community owes a debt of gratitude. This is plainly wrong and underpins a big part of the veteran community’s dilemma. That dilemma can be summarized as an over inflated idea of entitlement and self-importance. I know that is a contentious thing to suggest, but after 25 years of full-time military service, consisting of numerous operational deployments on combat operations throughout the Middle East and South East Asia, I’m comfortable to stand by this opinion.

Something that would go a long way is for veterans to start demonstrating some humility. This idea that the ‘modern veteran’ stood on the wall and repelled invaders to protect our lands and families as they sheltered behind us is a fantasy. The current situation in Afghanistan demonstrates this idea that the Taliban, or any other recent would be enemy, doesn’t have the reach or capability to threaten modern Western civilization in any meaningful form other than isolated terrorist events. Although each individual terrorist event is tragic, in the grand scheme of the developed world, the casualty numbers are insignificant and damage done irrelevant. The stock market continues to trade, banks continue to operate and our children continue to go to school while we toil at our trade and pay tax.

Unfortunately, in good faith, two generations (serving prior to 2001 and enlisting post September 11) of servicemen and women have believed our political and military leaders since 2001 that continuous and sustained conventional military operations was the answer to what was essentially a series of consequences to poor foreign policy. For the modern veteran to hang their hat on what is essentially a very small chapter of their overall life could almost be described as intellectually lazy and infantile.

Just like the high school athlete that can’t let go of their ‘glory days’ as a teenager, the current veteran would do well to start exercising some level of humility and keep their period of service in perspective.

The reality is, very few actually did a great deal of the heavy lifting or actual killing.

Veterans have lost perspective of their situation

Within the churn of our current 24-hour media cycle, you don’t need to go far to find an article focused on a veteran who has some how been let down by ‘the system’. Often, the actual veterans that have been let down are the ones that are already victims of suicide and or currently homeless or incarcerated. Nobody in their right mind would dispute that the correlation between substance abuse, suicide, mental health issues and difficulty at reintegration into communities for veterans is real and concerning. That is a given fact and undisputed. The one thing that is lacking from the conversation however is gratitude.

To be a modern veteran in our developed first world society, with all of our modern comforts and systems of support, is a privilege (would you rather be an injured veteran for the other-side?) Even as flawed as our relevant Veterans Affairs departments systems and bureaucratic processes maybe, nobody could say that there isn’t genuine help available and sincere social or political concern. Ask just about any sensible regular citizen of their level of respect and gratitude towards current and former servicemen and women and the consistent consensus is one of gratitude.

Veterans would serve themselves well to start reciprocating this gratitude back towards the society and members of it that support them rather than having a sense of entitlement with their hand out or chip on their shoulder as though they’re owed something.  

The vast majority of the struggles that veterans face is exactly the same that every day citizens do. Secure housing, consistent income, access to health care and education, consistent and meaningful employment. The list goes on. The only difference is that a good portion of the veteran community have the expectation that all of these things are someone else’s problem to solve. After a period of employment where meals and housing were provided, health care readily available and the comfort of mandated routine and a regular secure income, I find it hard to believe that there isn’t almost a learnt helplessness in the veteran community.            

Veterans need to stop seeing themselves as victims

Throughout our careers in the military, either short or long, we were inculcated with a certain set of values that were essentially focussed on having a bias for action and being aggressive. Why then is it that a significant number of the veteran community see themselves as either victims of circumstance or of a system that has cast them aside when their use has expired? The cold hard reality is that all of our experiences within the safe confines of the military will come to an end. Either quickly or over a prolonged period. At the end, whether it be voluntary or not, it is important for all of us to leave facing forward with courage and a plan for the future. Those who seem to struggle the most are the ones who don’t.      

Group dynamics can be easily explained as having the Forming, Storming, Norming and Performing stages. The final stage of group dynamics that often isn’t discussed in detail is the mourning phase. This is where either collectively or individually the loss of the group is mourned if not grieved by individuals as they reflect. This is at the core of the problems veterans face today. Look at nearly any veteran’s social media feed and you will see posts, pictures or content that is reminiscing about their previous service. Think back to the analogy of the high school athlete reliving the glory days and it should start to make sense.

Social media and the very convenience of remaining connected with people is in fact an additional part of the problem veterans face. A constant feed of reminders of their past. The funny thing is that the past is always viewed through rose tinted glasses by the veteran community. Even the bad times are viewed in retrospect as being some of the best times of our lives. The ‘why’ to that is due to the shared suffering or bond forged through shared hardship with former comrades. So as a veteran is trying to take steps forward, they have one foot stuck in the past.

One of the best things the veteran community could do is either remove or temper their use of social media.      

Veterans are happy to serve their country but not their community

The concept of ‘service to the nation’ is one that needs to reviewed and reconsidered by the veteran community. The reality is that we have or were employed and financially compensated for our time, effort and hardships. Perhaps the ‘service’ piece is nested in our individual reasons for seeking initial enlistment. A sense of duty or obligation perhaps, but at the end of the day, did you do it for free due to a sense of duty for the greater good or was there some form of incentive to enlisting?

If we are all honest, the answer would be a combination of all, but certainly a significant amount of our reasoning was due to the financial security and opportunities for the future military enlistment provides. We need to keep this concept of ‘service’ in perspective. Genuine ‘service’ to the nation looks like voluntary service to our community.

For a demographic that sees themselves being owed something by society and the community, I wonder how many veterans actually volunteer their time serving the community in some way?

For veterans that have the benefits of a permanent impairment payment as an income need to start serving their immediate communities and those who are less fortunate than themselves. Whether it being delivering meals to the elderly as a volunteer or serving meals to the homeless, the veteran community must give very serious consideration to start giving back. Regardless of how inconvenient it may be or what form it may take, by volunteering as part of a group that serves people less fortunate, veterans would learn to demonstrate both humility and gratitude.    

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go!

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Good men just get on with it

Stuart Fitness, Health 0 Comment

“Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.”

At the time writing I have been diagnosed with a anteroinferior labral tear in the right shoulder and am awaiting a surgeons opinion as to the options going forward. I think surgery is inevitable. What ever the outcome, I plan on leading through the problem.

Injuries will happen

If men start an exercise regime that is goal orientated and difficult, it is inevitable that we will get injuries along the way to improving ourselves. Changes in routine, fading gains and frustration at our own vulnerabilities are all obstacles we as men need to overcome. Funnily enough we are in fact mortal and made of soft tissue.

As my wife has reminded me constantly for 20 years, I’m not indestructible. When we get injured, we face only two options. Do we embrace it and work around it or do we settle for the soft, comfortable and sedentary option as we justify our lack of effort to those around us? They really are the only two options. Find a way forward or settle for mediocrity whilst making weak excuses. That’s it.

Keep your injury in perspective

In 2015 I herniated a disc in my lower back which had impinged the nerve root running into my left leg. The injury was accumulative over time and came on quickly. The pain was horrendous. The left butt cheek felt like a red-hot knife was being stabbed into it. My left femur felt hot, but the skin on the thigh felt numb and cold. My left calf muscle was in a constant cramp. The left ankle felt like it was being crushed in a vice and the two outside toes on my left foot made me think that I had an unpaid gambling debt out there and someone had smashed them both with a hammer. It was that good.

The emotional toll was the worst. I would start the day after broken sleep having woken up to take more pain relief in the middle of the night so the number of medications wouldn’t drop too low by morning. With genuine fear of moving, I would get out of bed and stand in the shower sobbing in agony as the nerves started firing up sending mixed messages back to my brain. The concoction of drugs could only do so much. At my lowest point I calculated that if the doctors couldn’t do anything for me, I would probably make it a year before begging them to cut the leg off or suicide.

It was the darkest time of my life and I just couldn’t understand why it was happening to me.

Don’t let the darkness in

Two months after the start of the worst period of my life, I was laying on the couch in the middle of the night with my head in my wife’s lap crying. I had surgery in 7 hours and was fasting and had stopped all pain relief medication in preparation for the surgery. The nerve pain was now in full effect as the nerve blocking drugs in my system were fading. My wife asked me ‘why it had gotten so bad all of a sudden?’. “Because it knows I’m going to kill it in 7 hours” was my response.

Fast forward 12 hours and the Neurosurgeon had carefully cut away the section of the disc that was causing me so much pain. I owe my life to him. Coming out of the fog of the aesthetic I could tell there was a major difference. The Sciatica was mostly gone. The site where the surgery had happened was incredibly painful, but my left leg no longer begged for amputation. My sense of relief was amazing. I saw a future again and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be medically discharged from the Army. I knew the first day after the operation that rehabilitation was now my main effort. Failure to rehabilitate meant failure. It meant a loss of purpose, self esteem and security. So as much as it hurt, and as the little weak bitch voice in my brain complained, I got out of the bed and started walking the ward.

Make the choice to rehabilitate

Before I got injured, I had been doing a decent amount of road cycling for cardio-vascular work and some weight training. Two weeks after surgery I tentatively got back to exercising. I had very little fitness or endurance after being sedentary for so long. The pain wasn’t completely gone and I was scared of doing too much. Walking with some of the older guys early in the morning at work was all I could manage to start with. It was at this point I started to think that this was as good as it was going to be for me now.

I recall the moment I made the decision though. I was waiting at a set of traffic lights and had a moment of clarity. I could fall into the category of people that have nothing but weak excuses and stories about how fit they used to be or I could bite down and power out of this boggy hole of self-pity. I chose the latter option.

Set realistic and achievable goals

The absolute worst thing you can do is set unrealistic goals. Set achievable ones and celebrate them when you concur another one. Scrub it off the list and keep moving. For me, the bicycle became the tool I would use to get better. I captured the data of every ride and compared results. I tracked my improvements and scrutinized the dips. Getting up early and putting the work in became the difference between living a good life with meaning and purpose or staying in the fog of excuses and mediocrity.   

4 months later I participated in a 100 km road race in the local area which included a mountain climb. I was never a contender for a place on a podium, but the real podium was in my head. I suffered horribly that day and finished in front of my wife and children who waved and cheered as I rode past to the finish line. There was no crowd waiting for me. No one other than my immediate family knew what I had over come and no one cared other than them. For me though, I felt like I had my manhood back. I’d physically gone out there and accomplished something hard and my body was resilient again. It was hard, tough and it could suffer for a cause.

So, this current shoulder problem? It’s nothing. It’s merely a distraction. I have overcome so much more than this. I will come back stronger and better than before.    

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go!

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Fatherhood is a rewarding daily struggle

Stuart Relationships 0 Comment

“Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understanding it.” 

Of all the things becoming a father has taught me is patience. Patience for my twin daughters and most importantly, having patience for myself. Why? Because it’s hard and there’s no rehearsal. You’re in the fight and you either get it right or you get it wrong day in and day out. It’s a constant rolling fight where the test is given first and the lessons that get given to you need to be analysed quickly and on the move. It’s no different to war.

My own experience and that of my friends as they have become fathers is that there is a sudden rush to mature and sense of responsibility. The gravity of the situation is understood by good men immediately. Before the child is even bathed for the first time, you’d want to understand that you’re in it now for the rest of your life. You’re also in your child’s life for the rest of theirs. They will always remember you for either the right or wrong reasons long after you’re dead. They will use you as inspiration or an example of what not to be like. That choice is up to you.

The early days are easier than you think

While they are infants, it’s all relatively easy. Baby sleeps, eats, poops, cries and then sleeps some more. For the first few months the best thing you can do is help your partner as much as possible and be selfless. Do the dishes. Organize the endless loads of washing and folding. Clean the floors and bathroom. Cook meals and be the man that your wife will adore for being so involved and helpful. The days of women doing it all and also looking after a man sized child are over. Regardless of what example was set in your own home growing up, believe me when I say good men will provide not only a safe home for their family, but they will also help maintain it and run it.

Your previous social life is now dead and buried. Parenting is a team sport and the last thing our wives or significant others need is the father of their child trying to maintain their own social life while the mother of our children is left at home alone. Going out and drinking with your buddies isn’t as important as you think. Being present with your child and wife is. As a good man, you need to understand that your wife or partner will be self conscious and a little paranoid if she’s at home by herself while you’re out on the town.

By completely investing your time and effort into your new little family, you might just end up getting a second kid out of it.

They’re now amazing

As your kid starts to toddle and learn more, you will be amazed every day at the little things they do. They’re learning faster than you can input information into a computer and developing physically. One moment they are hanging on to the edge of the coffee table. The next they’re running squealing down a hallway amazed at their own legs. These milestones will be ticked off almost daily and your job as father is to be there for them.

With the amazing milestones, they will also start to throw tantrums as their little brains develop and the hormones start flowing. They will learn quickly and be responsive to how you react or don’t react to their behavior. There will be times when you will think they will never stop screaming, but they will. Some days nothing you do will seem to work in settling them down. That’s OK as well.

As long as they are safe and can’t run away, let them lose their shit.

They’ll figure our sooner or later that it’s a waste of time. And as people look at your kid laying on the floor smashing their chubby little fists into the ground and then look at you, don’t feel like a failure. Just smile at them and send that subliminal message that they can mind their own business. Other parents will smile at you and send you positive vibes. Old people will look judgmental like their kids never did that, but they’re lying.

Dealing with puberty

I can only speak from the experience of having daughters, but this is currently my world and it’s scary as hell. This is where we get to the patience piece. Patience for them and patience for yourself. Some days it’s back to being amazing as they grow up into young adults and celebrate achievements in either academics or sport. It’s nearly as amazing as when they first started to walk again. You’re not allowed to make a big deal about it in public because that’s just not cool. Believe me though, they still want you to make a big deal about it though.

Understand what they’re going through

The cruel thing about puberty is that they are now almost regressing back to being five years old emotionally when their bodies and actions are more adult like. They are more forthright when they don’t want to do things and your negotiation skills need to be on point. Reason and rational responses have been thrown out of the window as they hurtle down the highway of life towards what appears to be an impending wreck. Old techniques that used to be effective at defusing the ticking bomb no longer seem to work and you can go from the worst person on earth to someone that is expected to drive them to where they want to go.

The real kicker though is the nasty, spiteful and hurtful statements regarding your parenting ability, actual level of care and compassion for them. This is firmly and solidly where patience comes into it. Firstly, unless you’ve been a complete failure, they don’t mean it. They say these horrible things because they know its your weakness and it’s a cheap emotional win for them. Little do they know it hurts them just as much as it hurts you. So have patience for them as they will cool off and come to see reason. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually they will see reason and calm down. Afterwards, once the dust has settled, don’t go looking for an apology if it isn’t offered. Just forgive, forget and move forward.

Wrapping it up

Finally, have patience for yourself. You’ve come so far as a man and father. It will seem like yesterday that they were born and now all of a sudden they’re telling you that they hate you. Take a breathe, walk away if you need to and remind yourself that you’re the adult in all of this. Take another big breathe and don’t engage. Be patient. After the emotional encounter has passed and you’re reflecting on what you did or didn’t do, just remind yourself that just like them, you’re making this up as you go as well.

So cut yourself some slack and keep learning. The struggle is daily and rewards will be great.

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Why good men should learn to play the guitar

Stuart Education 0 Comment

“To learn music is to learn a whole new language”

The idea of learning a musical instrument as an adult is confronting and falls into the category of ‘too hard’ for many. If you didn’t keep playing or participating in a music program at school through your teens, chances are you stopped at the first opportunity to focus on more ‘masculine’ ventures such as competitive sport or chasing girls. If only we knew then what we know now. And what do we know? We know that the guitarist is actually the one that got the girls.

What are the benefits

The benefits of learning a musical instrument as an adult are hugely beneficial in numerous ways. Firstly, lets talk about just the simple firing up of your brain activity. Learning how to interpret music or follow a chord chart whilst learning guitar activates all four cortex’s of the brain. Essentially it fires up the grey matter which is then coordinated through the physical action of manipulating not only the non-master hand in chords, but also the master hand at strumming. This alone improves the dexterity of your fingers and works your cognitive functions.

So basically, it’s like taking your brain to the gym and working it over like a muscle group.

The benefits of children learning a musical instrument are well documented. These benefits aren’t just restricted to children. They’re there for you as an adult as well. Imagine being able to increase your cerebral cortex by 30% and also improve your verbal communication skills as you grow your ability to interpret tone. This can help your leadership skills as well by making you a better communicator when actively listening to people. The added benefit is that your social skills, just a child’s, will improve as well.

Self confidence is also a benefit to learning a musical instrument that people don’t give enough credit to as well. No one expects you to play publicly, unless of course you feel the need to perform after that third wine or fifth beer. If that’s the case, having the confidence to pick up a guitar and play for your friends will make you feel empowered and confident. Even if you suck, give it a go.

Playing guitar to relax

Using music as a means to relax is something that most people do already, but the playing of music to relax takes you to a whole new level of chill. Because playing a guitar requires so much of your attention, there is no room for those thoughts that are keeping your stress levels up. By picking up a guitar and practicing three chords and a simple strumming pattern for 10 minutes is nearly guaranteed to take the edge of your day.

Shifting both your conscious and sub-conscious to playing music really does clear the mind and put things back into perspective. So if your finding yourself struggling with the grind of day to day life, pick up a guitar and start playing. After a few minutes you will find that the stress levels are down and problems don’t seem so big anymore.

Where do you start?

Funnily enough, you need to have access to a guitar. You don’t need anything expensive. Just look on-line for a second hand one. Plenty of people have attempted to start playing and given up. So the second hand market is well populated with acoustic guitars going cheap. Once you have a guitar, download a simple application on your phone such as ‘Yousician’. It will help you tune your guitar and give you some early wins on the start of your musical journey.

Once you have a guitar that is some what tuned, start thinking about the music you like to listen to and search ‘Youtube’ for a lesson for beginners in how to play your favorite songs. There is no shortage of musicians running channels focused on providing beginner lessons. Once you have your guitar and some basic chords, another good tool is the ‘Ultimate Guitar’ application which will give you plenty of information such as chords, strumming patterns and lyrics if you want to sing as well.

Just get started

Like everything, the hardest part is just starting. Your journey of self empowerment means you need to start doing things that you might not normally do. In this case, it’s something solely dedicated for you. This is about you learning something for you and you alone. You don’t have to share your new musical abilities with anyone other than yourself and you alone will reap the benefits.

The important things is that you start.

Go!

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Why men need to train with kettle-bells

Stuart Education, Fitness, Health 0 Comment

“Doing the perfect kettle-bell swing alone is superior to 99 percent of the sophisticated strength and conditioning programs out there.

–Pavel Tsatsouline (CEO and Founder of Strong First)

Male empowerment

If the Russians are using them for strength training, then they work.

There is no doubt that strength athletes from Russia and the surrounding Eastern European countries are considered the authority on strength training. Maybe not the anti-doping topic or advocates for clean competition, but when it comes to men and women being able to pick up, move and put down weight, they’re the ones to listen to.

Developed at the end of the 18th Century, the original kettle-bells were used as counter weights to measure crop harvests. They then started to make an appearance in strongman exhibitions as parts of travelling circuses. In recent times they have grown in popularity and can now be found in nearly every commercial or home gym. Why? They’re effective.

Watch any infomercial on television and you’ll see bulky and complicated equipment that is nearly guaranteed to either gather dust for the rest of its life under a bed or go to the tip. What you won’t see is a paid model swinging 16 kg of cold steel over their head while the hosts talk about the benefits of the kettle-bell and how it will melt away the belly fat faster than any other activity. Why not? Because the market they’re pitching to isn’t interested in hard work and effort. The overweight house wives and their soft husbands aren’t interested in the callouses, sweat, suffering or straight up physical and mental anguish a good kettle-bell work out brings. They’re also not interested in real results.

So what sort of kettle-bell should you get?

Just making time for a quick search online for kettle-bells will demonstrate how the market has numerous different variations and aesthetically appealing versions of kettle-bells. Some are just plain black. Others are pink with soft handles or plastic casings to some how appeal to those who are worried about their nails or hands. There are even adjustable kettle-bells that can have weight added or taken off to suit your ability.

But in the famous words of the former Black Flag front man, Henry Rollins, ‘200 pounds will always weigh 200 pounds’.         

Regardless of how much your kettle-bell weighs or what it looks like, if you’re going to buy anything for the physical self-improvement of yourself as a man, buy a kettle-bell. Plain black and powder finished. 16 kg is a good all-round weight as you’re starting out because it’s not too heavy or too light. Treat yourself to some lifting chalk as well and start picking it up, swinging it and putting it down.

The list of exercises you can do with a kettle-bell are almost endless. Just walking with it is an effort in itself due to the core stability required and grip strength. Funnily enough, walking with two of them is called a ‘Farmers Carry’. So why not buy two of the same weight at the same time.

How do kettle-bells benefit you?

The use of kettle-bells whilst pursuing the concept of functional fitness, that being preparing your body for real life movements and activities, is an excellent idea. Squatting, carrying, reaching, pulling, pushing, walking, running and lifting are the just some of the activities human beings need to be able to do repeatedly and effectively in their day to day lives. For men seeking to improve themselves, this is an excellent concept to research and follow.

Additionally, functional fitness is where men seeking self-improvement need to be looking. Why? Because it will help with everything else in your day-to-day life. Why train for something that will never present itself as a problem or challenge in real life? Loaded barbells on a flat bench press aren’t going to suddenly appear in front of you, but perhaps having to lift, drag or push a large object off of someone you care about will? Either way, using a training methodology that benefits your health, life and that of the people around you can’t be a bad idea.  

In summary

And finally, constant work outs with a kettle-bell will make your hands harder and tougher. Callouses will start to form and when your wife or significant other feels them on their body, somewhere deep down she will be impressed with the rough and calloused hands of an empowered man. One that is physically capable, strong and intelligent. That alone is reason enough to start gripping and ripping some large kettle-bells with gusto and testosterone.

So where can you get a kettle-bell? Just about any where is the answer. How do you use it? Well, that information is easy to come by as well. A simple online search into ‘Basic Kettle-bell Workouts for beginners will set you on the way forward. No matter what you do though, make sure it’s hard and that you initially regret it. If it sucks, you know it’s working.

The important thing is that you start.

Go!

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Good men working on themselves train with the simple push up to increase endurance and strength

Stuart Fitness, Health 0 Comment

“You can’t read about push ups. You gotta do them.”

Gary Vaynerchuk

The push up would have to be the oldest yet most valid measure of a mans upper body strength and endurance since there has been the concept of physical exercise. It consists of two movements, that being a ‘down’ and an ‘up’, yet offers so many benefits for the poor guy or girl doing them. No fancy equipment or clothes required. You’ve got everything you need already. Your body and gravity.

Of course, there are many variations of a push up. You can just do boring old push ups where your hands are slightly wider than your shoulders underneath your upper body and your feet are slightly apart as you keep your torso and hips in a straight line as you push out the repetitions. The whole time without sagging in the lower back as your core strength starts to fail you on your way to the illusive 100.

Or maybe you want to do the wide push ups where you engage more of your shoulders and chest whilst you have one foot across the heel of the other. Even a narrower positioning of the hands so you bend more at the elbow and engage more of the triceps for that arm pump before going out on a Friday night in a tight T-shirt. Either way, no matter what you’re going for, there is a push up for you. The important thing is that you do them.

How do you improve push ups quickly?

Can’t knock out a respectable 20 without a break? Fine. Do what you can, then drop to your knees and finish the rest. Incorporating a variation that makes it a bit easier isn’t something to be ashamed of. You should also be working your push ups to complete failure as well in order to get better at them. If you’re not, then you’re not really doing push ups are you?

Setting up a simple session of push ups is easy. You can incorporate them as an activity you do in-between rounds of other exercises or have them as a finishing exercise at the end of a run or walk. Just find 10 minutes after a run to do as many push ups as you can do in a minute with 1 minute rest. 5 minutes of push ups with 5 minutes rest. Easy right?

What are the additional benefits of simple push ups?

The humble push up is something that works nearly all of your body. Not only is it engaging your chest and arms, but it’s working your core strength as well by forcing you to tighten and lock together your entire abdominal wall and muscles in your lower back. Don’t believe it? Just hold the push up raised position for 2 minutes by itself and see if you start shaking. If you don’t, you’re either not doing it properly or you don’t need to be reading this.   

Setting out a daily routine for a month where you start the day with 50 push ups and end it with another 50 will start you on the path to some serious male self-improvement. Your periods of rest and need to break the 50 up into sets will diminish faster than you think as you adapt. Your body won’t be the only thing to start getting hard either. Your mind will as well and that’s half the battle. Physical pain and healthy suffering will fortify your mind and give you the ability to keep discomfort in context. Remember that when you’re training your body, you’re training your mind to be harder and fitter as well.   

The important thing is that you start.

Go!

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Men need to start running.

Stuart Fitness, Health 0 Comment

“Physical fitness can neither be acquired by wishful thinking nor by outright purchase.”

Joseph Pilates

The idea of starting, and sticking, to an exercise regime can seem daunting and intimidating. The perceived looks and glances of judgement from complete strangers can be the difference between people heading out for a run or sitting on their couch for another episode of some mind-numbing series on Netflix. But what if your life depended on it?

Hot tip. It does.

Benefits of running for men

The benefits of physical fitness and cardiovascular health are well known and even more well-advertised in all of our media. The fact there are still people, men in particular, that are leading sedentary and lazy lives is staggering. The excuses made and the stories of how fit they used to be just fade into white noise as I see their lips moving with meaningless words passing from them. There’s almost always some form of injury or ailment that apparently prevents them from participating in an active and healthier lifestyle. They’re communicated as reasons, but we all know they really are just excuses.

They’re communicated as reasons, but we all know they really are just excuses.

Physically fit men are capable men. They can run, jump, chase, lift, throw, fight and protect the people around them. They’re less likely to be assaulted or become victims of some form of violent criminal activity as they are not seen as potential victims. They are seen as a threat. This simple reason is good enough to do something about your physical well being as a man that wants to empower himself and become a better version of himself.

Cardiovascular (cardio) fitness is the foundation of just about all fitness. Even strong men train some form of cardio in order to be able to adapt quickly and compete in a sport that is unpredictable and occasionally throws athletes into uncertain situations. Therefore, the first thing you’re going to start working on is your cardio. It’s simple and it’s free.

Just get started. TODAY!

If your starting state is so poor and all you can do is walk, then start walking. Pretty soon your walk might start to turn into short periods of jogging until your walk turns into a jog. After that, the periods of actual running will start. The gains will start to come quickly and with enough regularity, these sessions will become daily. You will stop feeling terrible after exercising and start feeling great as the endorphins flood your brain. Pretty soon, you’ll start to feel lethargic and unbalanced on the days you don’t run. The important things is that you must start.

As a teenager getting ready to join the Army, I realised quickly that I could hardly run out of site on a dark night. The fitness assessment at the time required 5km to be covered in 26 minutes or less with a bunch of push ups and sit ups before it. In hindsight, it wasn’t all that hard, but it also wasn’t easy.

Youth and testosterone only got you so far and there were times when you had to have a look at yourself in the room full of mirrors to get through in the time required. Challenging, but not impossible. The way I got myself ready for basic training was by investing the time and setting some goals. The goals were realistic, measurable and achievable.

Set some realistic and achievable goals

So set some goals and make sure they’re realistic, measurable and achievable. And then commit to a significant event like a charity run or fun run that is no less than 10km. Go and commit to something that will force you to struggle and fight to finish. Go put yourself through something that right now at the beginning of your journey of making a better version of yourself seems impossible. Then start working towards it.

As simple running program is to just run for 2 minutes at a pace that is about 75% of your maximum output with a 2 minute walk as an active recovery break. Doing this for a total of 20 minutes is a very easy way to start out. Three sessions a week and after the first week start winding back the recovery time and increasing the running time. Pretty soon you won’t feel like walking and just want to run for 20 minutes. The gains made in cardio when you’re starting from a low base of fitness are phenomenal as you discover how fast your body can adapt to the new routine.

The important thing is that you start.

Go!

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Keeping your cool when under pressure.

Stuart Education, Leadership 0 Comment

“Integrity is doing the right thing. Even when no one is watching.”

C.S. Lewis

How to keep your cool

It’s not easy when you find yourself the subject of some else’s deception and attempt at distraction. Especially when you’ve been holding up your end of the bargain. When your integrity or professional ability becomes questioned by others that may be higher in the organisational hierarchy, the twisting anger in the stomach and clenched fists are a natural reaction.

The temptation to go on the attack sits just below the surface and the desire to start laying out the hard truths for all to see seems to be a naturally justified course of action that surely everyone around you would support. However, it’s not the best way forward. Take your time. It’s sweeter in the end.

Carry out the immediate action drill

Moments like this usually arise when your accuser/s have been found to be deficient in their own department and instead of taking responsibility, look for a sacrificial lamb to throw on the alter of deception. This is a short-sighted option that damages relationships and undermines their own integrity. The absolute worst thing you can do in this situation is play into their trap. By giving into your instinctive urges to go on the immediate attack isn’t the way to deal with it. The best way to defend yourself is to let them swim into the deep end where it’s murky with their lies.

The best way to defend yourself is to let them swim into the deep end where it’s murky with their lies.

By keeping your cool and ensuring a calm demeanor you will solidify your reputation as a man that can remain calm and grounded under pressure. The ability to rationally defend yourself and speak to facts calmly will completely help defuse any investigation or suspicion into your performance or actions. Your accusers on the other hand are left with their hollow accusations and the cold truth that you have nothing to answer for. And what’s even better is that this is what people remember.

Why keeping your cool is a good character trait for men

The mark of an emotionally immature man is to let emotions and anger bubble over the edge and start the counter accusations. This is the worst thing you can do as your argument will only be heard and interpreted as a defensive rant. By taking a breath and making the conscious effort to emotionally separate yourself from the issue will show people around you just what a cool and calm guy you are. Reliable under pressure and rational in your judgments and response. These are desirable traits for men to pursue and the people around you will recognise these character traits in you.

Admit when you’re wrong

The other side of this conversation is that if you know you have dropped the ball and done the wrong thing. If that is the case, and occasionally it will be, own it straight away. Take big bites of that shit sandwich and chew it like a man. Weak men avoid taking responsibility for the things they get wrong and seek to deflect and distract. Good men fight the urge down and look further forward than seeking comfort in temporary immediate self-preservation. If you’ve done the wrong thing, say so. And as you take ownership, start the process of explaining how you’re going to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

In summary, keep your cool and play the long game. It’s chess not checkers.   

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