Relationships - The Improved Man

Why good men should strive to be better time managers

Stuart Relationships 29/12/202129/12/2021Good men are good time managers. They plan for and invest time into their family. 0 Comment

Good men are providers and protectors

In a society that has been forcing good men to question their place and purpose, one thing remains the same for millennia. Good men are here to be providers and protectors. Men can choose to be neither and live a life as a bachelor who may be dedicated to their career and personal ambitions. Perhaps seeking fulfillment through avenues that don’t include family and children. If a man chooses such a life, he can still lead a virtuous life that leaves a positive impact on the people around him. He shouldn’t be judged as selfish or not contributing to society just like a woman shouldn’t who chooses not to become a wife and mother.

The good men that do become husbands and fathers however need to embrace the fact that they are stepping into the role of provider and protector for their families. It is stamped and hard wired in our DNA as males to risk ourselves in order to protect our wives and children at potentially great personal risk. Even potentially disregarding all common sense and safety in order to do such things. Good men understand this, accept it and willingly seek opportunities to demonstrate their virtuosity as men.

Sacrifice for a greater good

Thousands of years ago men would return to their tribes from a hunt with a slayed animal. Usually at great risk of being attacked by other tribes in competition for resources, hunting grounds and food. Or even potentially attacked or killed in the process of hunting large game through misadventure. Life was difficult, unforgiving and violent at best. As the man in our households, we are justly expected to sacrifice our time, effort and sweat in order to return home with the modern age version of a killed animal, that being a pay check.

Instead of being the best hunter in our tribe, we are now further developed to possess different skills and abilities that make us valuable as men to our families and society. Those skills and abilities come in many forms, yet all come through sacrificing time and energy. Good men are willing to sacrifice their time and energy to better themselves by gaining more knowledge, further develop a skill set and challenge themselves regularly both physically and intellectually. All of these things lead to potentially earning more money so they can provide a higher standard of living for their families.

Good men are able to balance work and life

In this pursuit of more knowledge, skills and resources, good men can will have to find that difficult balance between work and living their lives. Known as a ‘work/life balance’, it’s often common place for men to think their doing the right thing by working harder and longer instead of creating time for other pursuits. These pursuits are obviously their family relationships, but perhaps a selfish interest that feeds their own soul should be encouraged.

Often, good men can fall into the trap of thinking that because they provide so much in the form of money, standard of living or perhaps materialistic items such as cars or toys, they’re good parents or partners. When in fact, the people around us actually want less ‘stuff’ and really just want more of ‘us’. Finding that work/life balance is difficult, and just like a pendulum, it can swing between the two as priorities shift.

Find the time for family

One effective way good men can achieve a good work/life balance is by building time into their schedule or routine on purpose for family or other interests. Often when building a schedule or planning a routine, we can fall into the trap of filling all the gaps with what can only be described as ‘pointless busy work’. Using a color code system in a calendar is a useful way of tracking our time. I personally use different colors to represent various activities. Green is primary work. Blue is personal administration. Red is the side hustle and Yellow is sport. Orange is family time and once it is allocated it stays put and nothing, unless it is actually and really important, gets scheduled over the top.

Good men need to plan to and at times create or find the time for their families. They need to remember that although our wives and children appreciate the financial security and materialistic items our hard work provides, our families actually just want more of what they consider most important. Us.

Good men value their relationships

By planning our work schedules better and giving deeper consideration to our family relationships, good men will start to reap the benefits. Being present to witness our children’s sporting achievements or presentations of awards for academics are just two examples. Taking time out of the day so you can cook a meal for your family and reduce the burden on your wife if she is the primary care provider in the home is something we can all do more of as men who want to demonstrate that we value our relationships.

So in summary, if you’re a man that wants to improve himself, start planning your days and weeks to be more effective. Work harder to more efficient with your time so you can start giving more of it back to the people that support you the most. Your family.

Men’s rights in the family law system

I will start this with a caveat that I have not and do not plan to experience the family court system first hand. My knowledge of this subject comes from having spoken to and supported numerous male friends, family and work colleagues as their significant relationships have ended, sometimes in spectacular fashion, as they have then entered the murky waters of family law. This blog will focus on the observations of the lack of men’s rights in the family law system and provide some food for thought if you may be, or about to, take a swim with the sharks.

Men start at a disadvantage

Whether men are in the right or wrong, they’re automatically starting this race to the bottom at a disadvantage due to the simple fact that they’re male. It seems to me that regardless of which person is at fault, the man needs to start fighting uphill to maintain any form of initiative, financial or housing security and access to children in order to maintain fatherly relationships with their children. Men’s rights in the family law system appear to be given absolute minimum consideration at best and are easily disregarded the moment a man is made out to be a potential perpetrator of violence and intimidation.

Pack a bag and write a shopping list

Every single man I have seen starting the next chapter without their wife or partner has always had to leave the home and find somewhere else to live. Regardless if they are the one with their name on the lease or name on the mortgage. For some reason it is the man that needs to vacate the premises. Why is this?

Is it because male housing security is deemed to be less important than females’ or is it because of chivalry? Or is it that stamped in our DNA as men we see the woman as being more vulnerable if they have to leave the tribe? Either way, I haven’t seen a single male friend remain in their own home when relationships have failed.

Starting again

At the outset as men strike out to find a new place to live, they seem to always have to start from scratch again. Right down to having to set up a new home with furniture, bedding, kitchenware and plates they eat off. The financial outlay is significant and seems to always be the burden of the man. Very rarely have I seen an amicable division of household items where a man can start living in a new apartment or home.

They seem to leave with very little and have to start from scratch again. In some cases, I have made the observation that men are usually happy to do this as they get a say finally in what furniture is purchased and the decorating of their new home. It’s usually an indicator that they never actually ‘liked’ the household belongings they purchased in the first place.

The truth won’t matter

In the back of every man’s mind in these initial stages of a relationship breakdown is that accusations of poor behavior or domestic violence can and automatically will derail any hope of being treated fairly. Fairly by mutual friends, family and especially the legal system. Accusations are enough to generate enough doubt that, again, men need to start fighting from a disadvantaged position. As soon as that first encounter with the police occurs or the first of many letters from a lawyer arrives, men have absolutely no means of fighting back with the truth or at least their version of events.

The game is rigged

When that first letter arrives from the lawyer, the anxiety generated has been almost crippling for every man I have seen experience it. The implied accusations of being abusive partners and fathers is demeaning and degrading. Having read enough of these letters I can only imagine that family lawyers must spend their time trying to out do one another to see who can be of the coldest heart and vicious. The way they craft the paragraphs so that every sentence is like a hammer blow to the male character. Again, accusations are enough in this arena and there appears to be no accountability for what is said.

I recall reading one letter in particular where it was obvious that the lawyer was writing the letter and dictating to the aggrieved woman what should go into the letter, no matter how fanciful it was. How do I know this? Because she was of low intellect, practically illiterate and had such a poor grasp of the English language that the accusations and demands were plainly not coming from her. It was coming straight out of the lawyers’ play book.

The accusations were so outrageous that if they were true, why did he not have intimate knowledge of the inside of a jail cell already or be in a psychiatric facility? It was truly amazing the imagination of not only the lawyer, but also the fact the woman approved its release on her behalf as a version of the truth.

Lawyers are the only winners

Just like a casino is set up to take your money, the family legal system is rigged to bleed both parties of their assets all the way to the end. These letters are just one such way that they start draining the reserves of money. Priced at nearly $500 per letter due to billing rates, the written communication between parties is how lawyers make themselves the winners. Just like the casino. Neither party’s legal representation is ever satisfied and the back and forth continues until the money nearly runs out.

It’s almost as though the lawyers from both sides are inadvertently working in the interests of one another instead of their clients. The games rigged from the beginning. Especially for men who seem to always lose financially at the end. And it’s also a point for women as they navigate the family law system, the potential future proofing they seek will be just as undermined by lawyers that pretend to advocate for them and paint them as victims.

Common sense? You won’t find it here.

I recently met a man I did some work for who was a single parent to two small sons. His soon to be ex-wife and he had rented out the downstairs of their home to supplement the income of the family business. A couple moved in downstairs and in no time the male of the pair disappeared from the unit. It then became apparent to the couple that owned the property that the woman downstairs was in fact dealing methamphetamine out of their family home. Instead of throwing her out, his wife suddenly started a drug fueled lesbian relationship with her and turned her back on her husband and two sons.

*Paul then had to move out of his own home with his two young sons and live with extended family while he struggled with a magistrate at great cost to achieve sole custody of his children so he could protect them and move them back into the family home. The sheer fact that Paul had to spend in excess of $20,000 and spend 6 months fighting while running his own business, being a single parent and living out of a garage demonstrates that the system lacks any form of common sense. His situation is anecdotal I know, yet falls into the ‘no brainer’ category immediately.

External support for men is missing

Shelters for women exist for a very good reason, but when it came to Paul being able to maintain housing security for himself and his sons, nothing. He had no where to go except for either his work vehicle or family. The whole time his drug addled wife and her drug dealer girlfriend were allowed to remain in the family home until they were finally removed. Even at the end Paul desperately wants his wife to be able to have a meaningful and healthy relationship with her sons, but refuses to have the boys put at risk again. The struggle for him continues and he is only one man of many.

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The system sees men as disposable

Another good friend of mine, *Mitch, discovered his wife had been having an affair at the same time she told him she was pregnant. A prenatal paternity test ensued as at the time of conceiving the child, he wasn’t even in the state as he was away with work. He struggled to reconcile the fact that his wife had cheated on him numerous times. Attending counselling, she assured him that the affair was over and she was fully committed to the marriage. Whilst he was working overseas the prenatal test result indicated that he was the most likely father.

Not a conclusive result and one that certainly left enough doubt in his mind that he still wasn’t certain of the future of the marriage. The agreement was that on completion of the overseas trip he would decide if he would remain in the marriage and accept the paternity test result. He would never get the chance to decide as the end result was made for him.

It will always end up about money

Whilst spending his mandatory 2 weeks in hotel quarantine due to COVID-19 restrictions he received emails from lawyers she had engaged commencing the termination of their marriage and division of assets. The term ‘division of assets’ would indicate that he would have some at the end. In all of his received correspondence from her lawyer, everything indicated that he would be left with nothing. After four years of marriage, her expectation was that his 3 investment properties would be sold with all funds being transferred to herself. His superannuation would all go to her as well. Her audacity was mind boggling as she even went after items promised to him by his grandfather upon his death.

Men are seen as replaceable

The justification for all of this was that she had to ‘future proof’ herself. At the same time, he was told he had to accept her conditions due to his apparent ability to ‘rebuild’ his financial position in the future. The family court decided mostly in her favor as she attempted to even move interstate to have their child so he couldn’t have an active role as a father. It was only at the last minute, due to bureaucratic bumbling, that she was instructed to remain in the state by the courts so an attempt at a co-parenting agreement could be struck.

Everything Mitch had worked for over the last decade was essentially liquidated or transferred into the name of his ex-wife. Throughout the entire process he was treated as disposable and replaceable by a system that cared nothing for anything he had earned himself or sacrificed for. He was told from the outset that he should just roll over and give her what she wanted. This was not just from her lawyer, but also his own. No one in the legal system sees men worth fighting for and the decision makers seem to always allocate assets and funds in favor of the woman.

What can men do to protect themselves?

Rather than pursuing the life of a bachelor, good men should seek the challenge and fulfillment of marriage. As men form relationships with their partners, they can work seriously at communicating and developing a combined and agreed set of goals with their wives or partners. This doesn’t need to be a formal plan, but at least being on the same page with where you want to be together 20 years from now is a start. With this agreed and similar set of aspirations, men have a greater chance of success in their relationships.

Success in a marriage really comes from having the ability to communicate with one another. Sharing not only hopes and dreams, but also fears or desires with one another is key. Ignoring problems or failing to call one another out on the serious issues is a death sentence to a marriage. By more men seeking to be emotionally and intellectually active in their marriages, I’m almost certain they will start to experience more success. As well as improving their existing relationships, perhaps even their future ones if they are still single.

Work on yourself and your relationships

So, in order for men to protect themselves from situations similar to the examples above, perhaps the solution is actually setting higher standards and expectations of themselves and their partners before making the great leap into a lifelong commitment. Ensuring due diligence is conducted on both themselves and their potential partners so that when temptation or difficulties arise, the right decisions are made with the best interests of both parties at the forefront. After all, marriage is meant to be forever.

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

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Fatherhood is a rewarding daily struggle

Stuart Relationships 19/10/202102/12/2021 0 Comment

“Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understanding it.”

Of all the things becoming a father has taught me is patience. Patience for my twin daughters and most importantly, having patience for myself. Why? Because it’s hard and there’s no rehearsal. You’re in the fight and you either get it right or you get it wrong day in and day out. It’s a constant rolling fight where the test is given first and the lessons that get given to you need to be analysed quickly and on the move. It’s no different to war.

My own experience and that of my friends as they have become fathers is that there is a sudden rush to mature and sense of responsibility. The gravity of the situation is understood by good men immediately. Before the child is even bathed for the first time, you’d want to understand that you’re in it now for the rest of your life. You’re also in your child’s life for the rest of theirs. They will always remember you for either the right or wrong reasons long after you’re dead. They will use you as inspiration or an example of what not to be like. That choice is up to you.

The early days are easier than you think

While they are infants, it’s all relatively easy. Baby sleeps, eats, poops, cries and then sleeps some more. For the first few months the best thing you can do is help your partner as much as possible and be selfless. Do the dishes. Organize the endless loads of washing and folding. Clean the floors and bathroom. Cook meals and be the man that your wife will adore for being so involved and helpful. The days of women doing it all and also looking after a man sized child are over. Regardless of what example was set in your own home growing up, believe me when I say good men will provide not only a safe home for their family, but they will also help maintain it and run it.

Your previous social life is now dead and buried. Parenting is a team sport and the last thing our wives or significant others need is the father of their child trying to maintain their own social life while the mother of our children is left at home alone. Going out and drinking with your buddies isn’t as important as you think. Being present with your child and wife is. As a good man, you need to understand that your wife or partner will be self conscious and a little paranoid if she’s at home by herself while you’re out on the town.

By completely investing your time and effort into your new little family, you might just end up getting a second kid out of it.

They’re now amazing

As your kid starts to toddle and learn more, you will be amazed every day at the little things they do. They’re learning faster than you can input information into a computer and developing physically. One moment they are hanging on to the edge of the coffee table. The next they’re running squealing down a hallway amazed at their own legs. These milestones will be ticked off almost daily and your job as father is to be there for them.

With the amazing milestones, they will also start to throw tantrums as their little brains develop and the hormones start flowing. They will learn quickly and be responsive to how you react or don’t react to their behavior. There will be times when you will think they will never stop screaming, but they will. Some days nothing you do will seem to work in settling them down. That’s OK as well.

As long as they are safe and can’t run away, let them lose their shit.

They’ll figure our sooner or later that it’s a waste of time. And as people look at your kid laying on the floor smashing their chubby little fists into the ground and then look at you, don’t feel like a failure. Just smile at them and send that subliminal message that they can mind their own business. Other parents will smile at you and send you positive vibes. Old people will look judgmental like their kids never did that, but they’re lying.

Dealing with puberty

I can only speak from the experience of having daughters, but this is currently my world and it’s scary as hell. This is where we get to the patience piece. Patience for them and patience for yourself. Some days it’s back to being amazing as they grow up into young adults and celebrate achievements in either academics or sport. It’s nearly as amazing as when they first started to walk again. You’re not allowed to make a big deal about it in public because that’s just not cool. Believe me though, they still want you to make a big deal about it though.

Understand what they’re going through

The cruel thing about puberty is that they are now almost regressing back to being five years old emotionally when their bodies and actions are more adult like. They are more forthright when they don’t want to do things and your negotiation skills need to be on point. Reason and rational responses have been thrown out of the window as they hurtle down the highway of life towards what appears to be an impending wreck. Old techniques that used to be effective at defusing the ticking bomb no longer seem to work and you can go from the worst person on earth to someone that is expected to drive them to where they want to go.

The real kicker though is the nasty, spiteful and hurtful statements regarding your parenting ability, actual level of care and compassion for them. This is firmly and solidly where patience comes into it. Firstly, unless you’ve been a complete failure, they don’t mean it. They say these horrible things because they know its your weakness and it’s a cheap emotional win for them. Little do they know it hurts them just as much as it hurts you. So have patience for them as they will cool off and come to see reason. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually they will see reason and calm down. Afterwards, once the dust has settled, don’t go looking for an apology if it isn’t offered. Just forgive, forget and move forward.

Wrapping it up

Finally, have patience for yourself. You’ve come so far as a man and father. It will seem like yesterday that they were born and now all of a sudden they’re telling you that they hate you. Take a breathe, walk away if you need to and remind yourself that you’re the adult in all of this. Take another big breathe and don’t engage. Be patient. After the emotional encounter has passed and you’re reflecting on what you did or didn’t do, just remind yourself that just like them, you’re making this up as you go as well.

So cut yourself some slack and keep learning. The struggle is daily and rewards will be great.

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