I will start this with a caveat that I have not and do not plan to experience the family court system first hand. My knowledge of this subject comes from having spoken to and supported numerous male friends, family and work colleagues as their significant relationships have ended, sometimes in spectacular fashion, as they have then entered the murky waters of family law. This blog will focus on the observations of the lack of men’s rights in the family law system and provide some food for thought if you may be, or about to, take a swim with the sharks.
Men start at a disadvantage
Whether men are in the right or wrong, they’re automatically starting this race to the bottom at a disadvantage due to the simple fact that they’re male. It seems to me that regardless of which person is at fault, the man needs to start fighting uphill to maintain any form of initiative, financial or housing security and access to children in order to maintain fatherly relationships with their children. Men’s rights in the family law system appear to be given absolute minimum consideration at best and are easily disregarded the moment a man is made out to be a potential perpetrator of violence and intimidation.
Pack a bag and write a shopping list
Every single man I have seen starting the next chapter without their wife or partner has always had to leave the home and find somewhere else to live. Regardless if they are the one with their name on the lease or name on the mortgage. For some reason it is the man that needs to vacate the premises. Why is this?
Is it because male housing security is deemed to be less important than females’ or is it because of chivalry? Or is it that stamped in our DNA as men we see the woman as being more vulnerable if they have to leave the tribe? Either way, I haven’t seen a single male friend remain in their own home when relationships have failed.
Starting again
At the outset as men strike out to find a new place to live, they seem to always have to start from scratch again. Right down to having to set up a new home with furniture, bedding, kitchenware and plates they eat off. The financial outlay is significant and seems to always be the burden of the man. Very rarely have I seen an amicable division of household items where a man can start living in a new apartment or home.
They seem to leave with very little and have to start from scratch again. In some cases, I have made the observation that men are usually happy to do this as they get a say finally in what furniture is purchased and the decorating of their new home. It’s usually an indicator that they never actually ‘liked’ the household belongings they purchased in the first place.
The truth won’t matter
In the back of every man’s mind in these initial stages of a relationship breakdown is that accusations of poor behavior or domestic violence can and automatically will derail any hope of being treated fairly. Fairly by mutual friends, family and especially the legal system. Accusations are enough to generate enough doubt that, again, men need to start fighting from a disadvantaged position. As soon as that first encounter with the police occurs or the first of many letters from a lawyer arrives, men have absolutely no means of fighting back with the truth or at least their version of events.
The game is rigged
When that first letter arrives from the lawyer, the anxiety generated has been almost crippling for every man I have seen experience it. The implied accusations of being abusive partners and fathers is demeaning and degrading. Having read enough of these letters I can only imagine that family lawyers must spend their time trying to out do one another to see who can be of the coldest heart and vicious. The way they craft the paragraphs so that every sentence is like a hammer blow to the male character. Again, accusations are enough in this arena and there appears to be no accountability for what is said.
I recall reading one letter in particular where it was obvious that the lawyer was writing the letter and dictating to the aggrieved woman what should go into the letter, no matter how fanciful it was. How do I know this? Because she was of low intellect, practically illiterate and had such a poor grasp of the English language that the accusations and demands were plainly not coming from her. It was coming straight out of the lawyers’ play book.
The accusations were so outrageous that if they were true, why did he not have intimate knowledge of the inside of a jail cell already or be in a psychiatric facility? It was truly amazing the imagination of not only the lawyer, but also the fact the woman approved its release on her behalf as a version of the truth.
Lawyers are the only winners
Just like a casino is set up to take your money, the family legal system is rigged to bleed both parties of their assets all the way to the end. These letters are just one such way that they start draining the reserves of money. Priced at nearly $500 per letter due to billing rates, the written communication between parties is how lawyers make themselves the winners. Just like the casino. Neither party’s legal representation is ever satisfied and the back and forth continues until the money nearly runs out.
It’s almost as though the lawyers from both sides are inadvertently working in the interests of one another instead of their clients. The games rigged from the beginning. Especially for men who seem to always lose financially at the end. And it’s also a point for women as they navigate the family law system, the potential future proofing they seek will be just as undermined by lawyers that pretend to advocate for them and paint them as victims.
Common sense? You won’t find it here.
I recently met a man I did some work for who was a single parent to two small sons. His soon to be ex-wife and he had rented out the downstairs of their home to supplement the income of the family business. A couple moved in downstairs and in no time the male of the pair disappeared from the unit. It then became apparent to the couple that owned the property that the woman downstairs was in fact dealing methamphetamine out of their family home. Instead of throwing her out, his wife suddenly started a drug fueled lesbian relationship with her and turned her back on her husband and two sons.
*Paul then had to move out of his own home with his two young sons and live with extended family while he struggled with a magistrate at great cost to achieve sole custody of his children so he could protect them and move them back into the family home. The sheer fact that Paul had to spend in excess of $20,000 and spend 6 months fighting while running his own business, being a single parent and living out of a garage demonstrates that the system lacks any form of common sense. His situation is anecdotal I know, yet falls into the ‘no brainer’ category immediately.
External support for men is missing
Shelters for women exist for a very good reason, but when it came to Paul being able to maintain housing security for himself and his sons, nothing. He had no where to go except for either his work vehicle or family. The whole time his drug addled wife and her drug dealer girlfriend were allowed to remain in the family home until they were finally removed. Even at the end Paul desperately wants his wife to be able to have a meaningful and healthy relationship with her sons, but refuses to have the boys put at risk again. The struggle for him continues and he is only one man of many.
The system sees men as disposable
Another good friend of mine, *Mitch, discovered his wife had been having an affair at the same time she told him she was pregnant. A prenatal paternity test ensued as at the time of conceiving the child, he wasn’t even in the state as he was away with work. He struggled to reconcile the fact that his wife had cheated on him numerous times. Attending counselling, she assured him that the affair was over and she was fully committed to the marriage. Whilst he was working overseas the prenatal test result indicated that he was the most likely father.
Not a conclusive result and one that certainly left enough doubt in his mind that he still wasn’t certain of the future of the marriage. The agreement was that on completion of the overseas trip he would decide if he would remain in the marriage and accept the paternity test result. He would never get the chance to decide as the end result was made for him.
It will always end up about money
Whilst spending his mandatory 2 weeks in hotel quarantine due to COVID-19 restrictions he received emails from lawyers she had engaged commencing the termination of their marriage and division of assets. The term ‘division of assets’ would indicate that he would have some at the end. In all of his received correspondence from her lawyer, everything indicated that he would be left with nothing. After four years of marriage, her expectation was that his 3 investment properties would be sold with all funds being transferred to herself. His superannuation would all go to her as well. Her audacity was mind boggling as she even went after items promised to him by his grandfather upon his death.
Men are seen as replaceable
The justification for all of this was that she had to ‘future proof’ herself. At the same time, he was told he had to accept her conditions due to his apparent ability to ‘rebuild’ his financial position in the future. The family court decided mostly in her favor as she attempted to even move interstate to have their child so he couldn’t have an active role as a father. It was only at the last minute, due to bureaucratic bumbling, that she was instructed to remain in the state by the courts so an attempt at a co-parenting agreement could be struck.
Everything Mitch had worked for over the last decade was essentially liquidated or transferred into the name of his ex-wife. Throughout the entire process he was treated as disposable and replaceable by a system that cared nothing for anything he had earned himself or sacrificed for. He was told from the outset that he should just roll over and give her what she wanted. This was not just from her lawyer, but also his own. No one in the legal system sees men worth fighting for and the decision makers seem to always allocate assets and funds in favor of the woman.
What can men do to protect themselves?
Rather than pursuing the life of a bachelor, good men should seek the challenge and fulfillment of marriage. As men form relationships with their partners, they can work seriously at communicating and developing a combined and agreed set of goals with their wives or partners. This doesn’t need to be a formal plan, but at least being on the same page with where you want to be together 20 years from now is a start. With this agreed and similar set of aspirations, men have a greater chance of success in their relationships.
Success in a marriage really comes from having the ability to communicate with one another. Sharing not only hopes and dreams, but also fears or desires with one another is key. Ignoring problems or failing to call one another out on the serious issues is a death sentence to a marriage. By more men seeking to be emotionally and intellectually active in their marriages, I’m almost certain they will start to experience more success. As well as improving their existing relationships, perhaps even their future ones if they are still single.
Work on yourself and your relationships
So, in order for men to protect themselves from situations similar to the examples above, perhaps the solution is actually setting higher standards and expectations of themselves and their partners before making the great leap into a lifelong commitment. Ensuring due diligence is conducted on both themselves and their potential partners so that when temptation or difficulties arise, the right decisions are made with the best interests of both parties at the forefront. After all, marriage is meant to be forever.
*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.