“Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understanding it.”
Of all the things becoming a father has taught me is patience. Patience for my twin daughters and most importantly, having patience for myself. Why? Because it’s hard and there’s no rehearsal. You’re in the fight and you either get it right or you get it wrong day in and day out. It’s a constant rolling fight where the test is given first and the lessons that get given to you need to be analysed quickly and on the move. It’s no different to war.
My own experience and that of my friends as they have become fathers is that there is a sudden rush to mature and sense of responsibility. The gravity of the situation is understood by good men immediately. Before the child is even bathed for the first time, you’d want to understand that you’re in it now for the rest of your life. You’re also in your child’s life for the rest of theirs. They will always remember you for either the right or wrong reasons long after you’re dead. They will use you as inspiration or an example of what not to be like. That choice is up to you.
The early days are easier than you think
While they are infants, it’s all relatively easy. Baby sleeps, eats, poops, cries and then sleeps some more. For the first few months the best thing you can do is help your partner as much as possible and be selfless. Do the dishes. Organize the endless loads of washing and folding. Clean the floors and bathroom. Cook meals and be the man that your wife will adore for being so involved and helpful. The days of women doing it all and also looking after a man sized child are over. Regardless of what example was set in your own home growing up, believe me when I say good men will provide not only a safe home for their family, but they will also help maintain it and run it.
Your previous social life is now dead and buried. Parenting is a team sport and the last thing our wives or significant others need is the father of their child trying to maintain their own social life while the mother of our children is left at home alone. Going out and drinking with your buddies isn’t as important as you think. Being present with your child and wife is. As a good man, you need to understand that your wife or partner will be self conscious and a little paranoid if she’s at home by herself while you’re out on the town.
By completely investing your time and effort into your new little family, you might just end up getting a second kid out of it.
They’re now amazing
As your kid starts to toddle and learn more, you will be amazed every day at the little things they do. They’re learning faster than you can input information into a computer and developing physically. One moment they are hanging on to the edge of the coffee table. The next they’re running squealing down a hallway amazed at their own legs. These milestones will be ticked off almost daily and your job as father is to be there for them.
With the amazing milestones, they will also start to throw tantrums as their little brains develop and the hormones start flowing. They will learn quickly and be responsive to how you react or don’t react to their behavior. There will be times when you will think they will never stop screaming, but they will. Some days nothing you do will seem to work in settling them down. That’s OK as well.
As long as they are safe and can’t run away, let them lose their shit.
They’ll figure our sooner or later that it’s a waste of time. And as people look at your kid laying on the floor smashing their chubby little fists into the ground and then look at you, don’t feel like a failure. Just smile at them and send that subliminal message that they can mind their own business. Other parents will smile at you and send you positive vibes. Old people will look judgmental like their kids never did that, but they’re lying.
Dealing with puberty
I can only speak from the experience of having daughters, but this is currently my world and it’s scary as hell. This is where we get to the patience piece. Patience for them and patience for yourself. Some days it’s back to being amazing as they grow up into young adults and celebrate achievements in either academics or sport. It’s nearly as amazing as when they first started to walk again. You’re not allowed to make a big deal about it in public because that’s just not cool. Believe me though, they still want you to make a big deal about it though.
Understand what they’re going through
The cruel thing about puberty is that they are now almost regressing back to being five years old emotionally when their bodies and actions are more adult like. They are more forthright when they don’t want to do things and your negotiation skills need to be on point. Reason and rational responses have been thrown out of the window as they hurtle down the highway of life towards what appears to be an impending wreck. Old techniques that used to be effective at defusing the ticking bomb no longer seem to work and you can go from the worst person on earth to someone that is expected to drive them to where they want to go.
The real kicker though is the nasty, spiteful and hurtful statements regarding your parenting ability, actual level of care and compassion for them. This is firmly and solidly where patience comes into it. Firstly, unless you’ve been a complete failure, they don’t mean it. They say these horrible things because they know its your weakness and it’s a cheap emotional win for them. Little do they know it hurts them just as much as it hurts you. So have patience for them as they will cool off and come to see reason. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually they will see reason and calm down. Afterwards, once the dust has settled, don’t go looking for an apology if it isn’t offered. Just forgive, forget and move forward.
Wrapping it up
Finally, have patience for yourself. You’ve come so far as a man and father. It will seem like yesterday that they were born and now all of a sudden they’re telling you that they hate you. Take a breathe, walk away if you need to and remind yourself that you’re the adult in all of this. Take another big breathe and don’t engage. Be patient. After the emotional encounter has passed and you’re reflecting on what you did or didn’t do, just remind yourself that just like them, you’re making this up as you go as well.
So cut yourself some slack and keep learning. The struggle is daily and rewards will be great.