“I have been put in a group with Alex and I hate him! He never contributes and I end up having to do all the work.”
I’ve just walked through the door and made the fateful mistake of asking one of my daughters how her day was and she has launched into a rant about how frustrated she is with having to work on a project at school with a boy she doesn’t like.
The usual mature adult response passes my lips consisting of noble statements such as “You don’t need to like him. You just need to work with him” and “You won’t get to choose who you work with after you leave school so figure it out”. Other pearls of wisdom are dispensed but seem to fall flat. The reality is that I get it. It never gets easier and it never changes no matter how much older you get. You always come across people you don’t like and never will. You will always struggle to greet them in the morning with a polite and friendly smile and meaningless warm words. But does it really need to be this way?
I recall having to work with a guy that was younger and less experienced than myself, but due to the nature of the industry, he was actually in charge of our team of about 25 people. He held the position of authority and responsibility for the success or failure of our group. Behind the scenes though, the discussion was always focused on what I was doing to help him or was I undermining him. That chewed away at me because I knew that if I undermined him the consequences would be dire for both of us, so I worked at maintaining a workable relationship with him.
Sometimes you don’t get a choice
Coming to work in the mornings I would feel sick at the thought of having to greet him and share space with him. The members of our team knew there was friction between us and started to question his directions by looking at me during team briefings for an indication if I agreed with what he was saying or not. I did my best to maintain a neutral expression and give nothing away to what I actually thought for fear of being perceived as being unsupportive. Difficult with a young and inexperienced work force that were looking to me for some indication as to whether or not our team was on the right path.
So what options did I have in front of me? I had numerous options. The problem at the time was I didn’t have the experience to recognise them let alone use them. I hadn’t had any really education or training in conflict resolution and even the communication skills to tackle the problem. So I continued to struggle through with a date on the calendar when it would end due to the team being split up for a different task. It was only afterwards that I recognised the options I had in front of me and recognised that I should have dealt with the problem much earlier. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, this is what I would have done.
What to do first
The first thing I should have done is look inwards first and conduct some serious self-assessment. With the benefit of some hindsight, I came to the realisation that I was in fact a big part of the problem. My ego had felt threatened by being the number two to a guy that had the education to be in charge but not the experience to fulfill the role as I thought he should. My ego had taken a hit and I felt that my status within the organisation was threatened. And in other ways I felt my competence and subject knowledge was being questioned when my suggestions weren’t being implemented.
In reality, they were being considered, they just weren’t being implemented 100% of the time. My ego didn’t like it and I either consciously or subconsciously thought that the other team members were questioning my own credibility because of this. If I could go back and do it all again, I would have sat with myself and investigated what I was actually thinking and pulled apart the issue to see what I was contributing to the problem. It would have hurt and felt uncomfortable, but I really should have shelved my ego and looked inwards.
Good men open up the communication
The second thing I would have done much earlier is actually open the subject up for discussion with the person and explained in detail what I thought the problem was. And the first part of that conversation would have been me owning my part of the issue. I certainly wouldn’t have rolled into it using words such as ‘You’. It would have sounded more along the lines of “I think I have….” or “I’m not happy with how I have handled this because…”. Basically, I would have shelved my ego and thrown myself on the humility grenade early to get the hardest bit out of the way early. That way all of the uncomfortable bits of the dead cat for myself would have been on the table at the start.
Communication skills, both verbal and non-verbal ,and humility in a situation like this is imperative. So no crossing of arms or legs if you’re sitting. No hands on hips or pointing with your hand and most certainly no raised voices or swearing. It’s not about allocating blame. It’s all about owning the problem and being honest.
Good men establish some common ground
Lastly, I would have made sure we had found some common ground to operate on at the end of the conversation having accepted that our goals and hopes for success were in fact entwined. As difficult as this would have been for us to admit, it was true. The people you get saddled up with aren’t there because they have set out to fail or do a bad job. They are pursuing success themselves and are motivated to achieving it. So with the benefit of hindsight, even if the conversation in step two went badly, I would have made sure we both left understanding that we wanted the same thing at a minimum.
Hindsight is beautiful
So if I could go back and do it all again, of course it would have been different. I would have conducted some self-assessment first. And I mean that real stuff where you feel uncomfortable. Secondly, I’d have followed that up by actually communicating with the other half of the problem like a mature adult. Kept it simple and honest by explaining what I thought was happening, without allocating blame, and accepting that I was half of it. And lastly, I would have ensured we both left the conversation with a very clear understanding that, regardless of future disagreements, we would both approach things in the future from a position of mutual respect and understanding that we both wanted the same thing. Success.
Trying to explain these ideas to an emotional teenager with even a remote expectation of them either understanding or attempting to use them is probably expecting too much, but for adults, it should be easily relatable. We’ve all been in these situations before and look back with hindsight wishing we had done things differently. So I challenge you to do it differently the next time you have conflict in a relationship at work or a sporting team. Perhaps even within your own family. Lean into the problem, take ownership of the problem and take action to make it better rather than thinking it will improve by itself because it won’t.